Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Life Reviewed. My name is Jenny Macias, the director of partnerships at Hope House. Today we are going to hear a story from one of our alumni moms. And now Hope House board member Alicia.
Alicia today is going to share some pretty intimate details of a domestic violence relationship that she survived, as many of our Hope House moms have.
So today we thought we give everyone a heads up on that ahead of time. And if you are one of our listeners who listens to these podcast episodes in the car maybe, or with your kids around, this may be something that you may not want your kids around for this episode. So we thought we'd give a disclaimer before this one. But she has a really powerful story to share.
Also, if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there's help available. You can call the National Domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233. So with that, now let's dive in.
[00:01:09] Speaker B: Welcome to Life Reviewed, a podcast by Hope House Colorado, where we invite you into conversation with teenage moms and the people who champion them. These stories of struggle overcoming and perspective shifts will challenge you to review life as you've known it. One story, one person, one conversation at a time. Oh, I thought I knew the kind of life that I would.
[00:01:35] Speaker A: And welcome back to Life Reviewed. My name is Jenny Macias, the director of partnerships at Hope House Colorado. And today I am so excited for you all to get to meet and learn all about Alicia Quintana, who is one of our alumni Hope House moms and is now one of our board members, actually the first alumni Hope House mom board member.
Welcome, Alicia.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here.
[00:02:08] Speaker A: So, Alicia, tell me you were a Hope House mom before you found Hope House and before you became a teen mom. Tell me a little bit about your life and your childhood and some of those things.
[00:02:23] Speaker B: Yeah. So I actually come from a very broken family. I spent a lot of time growing up with different family members, trying to strive through a lot of generational curses.
And to be honest with you, I honestly feel like before I found Hope House, I really didn't know who I was. I just felt like a lost soul just trying to find my way in this world.
[00:02:54] Speaker A: Right.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: And I think I felt that way as a child up until I was probably getting out of my teens maybe.
[00:03:05] Speaker A: Which is so common for so many of our moms that we talk to. They all would share a lot of the similar things.
[00:03:11] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. And I kind of feel like now it becomes a blur now that you evolve into this new person and you start to break those generational curses, I find myself journaling a lot now because I'm like, who was I before Hope House? I don't know. I don't think I'm there anymore. Like, out of sight, out of mind. I've feel like I've blossomed into this new butterfly, which is so beautiful. Yes.
[00:03:36] Speaker A: And also really cool to reflect on where you were and how far you've come, which is so cool.
Where did you grow up? What part of town did you grow up?
[00:03:48] Speaker B: I grew up in Denver, Colorado. Five Points area. I lived there probably up until I was, like, in fifth grade.
[00:03:57] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:03:58] Speaker B: So we experienced, like, a lot of poverty in that area at that time. Yeah. We were moved out of the projects, and I eventually relocated to Mont Bello, which at that time was also a lot of poverty.
And then from there, I've kind of just stuck in that area.
Yeah.
[00:04:20] Speaker A: Nice.
And how old were you when you met your daughter's dad?
[00:04:29] Speaker B: So I actually met him when we moved to Mont Bello. I transferred from East High School and I attended Montbello High School, and that's where I met him my freshman year.
[00:04:41] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:04:42] Speaker B: Yeah. It was kind of crazy how we met. We kind of met through mutual friends. I was more of like a shy girl kind of to myself, and he was, like, the total opposite. He was popular, football player, number one in the state for wrestling. So it was very interesting how we came together through mutual friends.
[00:05:03] Speaker A: Right.
Maybe Unlikely pairing a little bit.
[00:05:06] Speaker B: Yeah. But, yeah, it was like love at first sight, honestly.
[00:05:11] Speaker A: Aw.
[00:05:11] Speaker B: Yeah. I remember seeing him come out of practice one day, and I was just like, oh, my God. Like, who is that, Ms. Queen? He's cute, right?
Exactly. And at the time, I was trying to break away from another relationship, and the mutual friend that we shared happened to be with me in that moment when I seen him coming out of practice. So he was just like, yeah, I'm going to hook you guys up, you know?
And when I ended my other relationship, I gave it a shot. And, yeah, like I said, I felt like it was love at first sight, but only if I knew what was in store.
[00:05:49] Speaker A: Well, right, right. And how old were you when the two of you met?
[00:05:52] Speaker B: So when we first met, I was 15.
[00:05:56] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:05:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:57] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:05:57] Speaker B: And then he was going on 17.
[00:06:01] Speaker A: Okay. So he was a couple years older. Okay. Okay. Awesome. And then. So it sounds like it was kind of fireworks with the two of you. Right? Love at first sight. And then tell me more about that relationship as it evolved.
[00:06:16] Speaker B: Yeah. So I feel like at the beginning of the relationship, it was just like, you know, any other high school relationship. I felt like the thing that made me fall in love with him was the fact that he was very family oriented. I love that he was very disciplined when it came to. And sports. And I was looking for that type of guidance because I had a broken home. So going to school and sports and homework, like, none of that was a priority.
[00:06:48] Speaker A: Right.
[00:06:48] Speaker B: Surviving was a priority for me. So to see him prioritize all those things, like, I felt like I was in a relationship where I could learn something from this person.
[00:07:00] Speaker A: Right. You know, like, it was admirable.
[00:07:02] Speaker B: Yeah. Qualities.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:04] Speaker B: Yeah. It was unfamiliar to me, so it made me gravitate to him even more.
[00:07:11] Speaker A: And then eventually you get pregnant.
[00:07:14] Speaker B: Yes, eventually I get pregnant.
[00:07:17] Speaker A: So tell me what that was like.
[00:07:20] Speaker B: So that was very interesting.
I actually didn't find out I was pregnant until I was about six months.
So I remember, like, being sick. I felt like I had the flu or something.
And it lingered for, like, maybe two weeks. And I remember he kept telling me, like, no, we should go to the emergency room. Like, I'm pretty sure you're pregnant. And I'm like, you're like, nah, yeah, there's no way I'm pregnant. Like, I'm still having my cycle. And I'm like, there's no way.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: Right.
[00:07:51] Speaker B: So I was concerned, though, that, like, I couldn't kick the flu after two weeks. So we ended up going to the emergency room, and it. It was so crazy because they did give me a pregnancy test. I had a pee on a little stick and it came back negative. And he was like, there's no way.
[00:08:10] Speaker A: Right?
[00:08:10] Speaker B: And I was just like, no, like, it's all in your head. And they were like, well, we should do some blood work. They ended up doing some blood work, and the pregnancy test came back positive. Crazy. Now I'm in denial. Right?
[00:08:22] Speaker A: Right.
[00:08:23] Speaker B: Because I'm like, okay, this says no. This says yes.
[00:08:25] Speaker A: Right.
[00:08:26] Speaker B: Well.
[00:08:26] Speaker A: And crazy that you were still having your cycle. Cause I would have thought the same thing.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: Like, yeah, I've always been. It's not. Yeah, like spotting. So, yeah, I was like, no, Like, I felt fine. I wasn't having, like, any symptoms. Right. I didn't gain any weight. Like, yeah. So I was like, no, like, that can't be right. So I asked them to do an ultrasound because I was in denial.
[00:08:47] Speaker A: And I would have, too, for sure. I'd be like, no, no, I'm gonna need some more proof yeah.
[00:08:52] Speaker B: Yep. So they did the ultrasound and there was a full term baby in there.
[00:09:00] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
[00:09:00] Speaker B: And yeah, they told me I was six months. And I just remember, like, freaking out because I'm like, what am I gonna tell my mom? Right.
[00:09:10] Speaker A: Like, yeah.
[00:09:11] Speaker B: I already come from this broken home. I don't have the best relationship with her.
[00:09:15] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:09:15] Speaker B: So the first thing I honestly thought of, like, was, she's gonna kick me out. Like, what am I gonna do? Like, I cannot tell her I'm gonna be homeless.
[00:09:23] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh.
[00:09:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:09:24] Speaker A: So, so scary. And how old were you when you found this out?
[00:09:27] Speaker B: I was 16.
[00:09:28] Speaker A: Okay. Okay. So this is about a year after you guys were dating and.
[00:09:31] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay. And my mom was also a teen mom when she got pregnant with me, so that was, like, one thing. One of the generational curses she wanted to break. Right. And now.
[00:09:43] Speaker A: So you're also remembering her saying that as you're at the hospital.
[00:09:47] Speaker B: I was so scared. I'm like, she's gonna kill me.
[00:09:49] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:09:50] Speaker B: Like, and she's gonna kick me out. Like, what am I gonna do?
[00:09:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:09:53] Speaker B: So I was very, very nervous. And again, like, I'm in survival mode in that moment. I'm thinking, like, I know if I go home and I tell her I'm pregnant, like, she's gonna kick me out and what am I gonna do?
[00:10:06] Speaker A: Right.
[00:10:07] Speaker B: Here we are both teenagers. Like, he can't support me. Like, all the things I should have been thinking about prior, I wasn't thinking about right now. This is my reality.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: Right.
[00:10:17] Speaker B: So, yeah. I remember asking the nurse, like, if she can give me resources because I honestly considered having an abortion, and she was just like, honey, like, I don't think it's clicking for you.
[00:10:32] Speaker A: Right. You're six months.
[00:10:33] Speaker B: Yeah. You're six months. Like, you were going to have this baby.
[00:10:37] Speaker A: Right.
[00:10:38] Speaker B: And then I remember her giving me this paper and it talked about adoption.
[00:10:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: If I wasn't comfortable with keeping the baby, and I was just like, oh, my gosh. Like, I don't know. I got to give it time to think about it. So he very excited, though. He was, yeah. He was very excited to have a baby. And I don't know why. Honestly, I don't think we ever really talked about it, but.
[00:11:03] Speaker A: Right. But he was excited. I can't imagine, as a woman finding it, like, not only are you pregnant, which is, you know, most of our Hope House moms, like, they find out they're pregnant, but they find out early on, and now it's like, oh, this is like, this is happening in just a few months, and you had very little time to wrap your head around this. And just life changes so drastically in an instant like that. I can't even imagine.
[00:11:29] Speaker B: Yeah. And I honestly never wanted kids. I'm the oldest of five children from my mom, so I was like, no, like being the oldest child, having to look after your siblings. I'm like, oh, no. Like, I. Something I just never wanted for myself personally. But, yeah, was excited about it. I was able to spend a lot of time at his house because he grew up with a single dad, and his dad worked two jobs. So by the time we got out of school, his dad was going into his night job. So he. He never really knew I was there.
[00:12:04] Speaker A: Right.
[00:12:04] Speaker B: So I started spending a lot of. A lot more time at his house.
[00:12:09] Speaker A: Right. That kind of became your safe place to be.
[00:12:11] Speaker B: My safe space. And my mom, I think my mom probably thought, like, I was at a friend's house or something. Did you.
[00:12:18] Speaker A: Did you tell your mom yet?
[00:12:19] Speaker B: No. So I had this point.
[00:12:21] Speaker A: You had it.
[00:12:21] Speaker B: So, yeah, after we found out, I didn't tell my mom. He didn't tell his dad.
[00:12:26] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:12:26] Speaker B: So. And we would kind of miss his dad because his dad works so much. And then me and my mom just, you know, we had a lot of issues. So right at that time, me running away or getting kicked out was happening often. Right.
[00:12:38] Speaker A: Right.
[00:12:39] Speaker B: So, yeah, we ended up hiding it for maybe, like, another month and a half, and we went to a doctor's appointment, and we got an ultrasound done. We found out we were having a little girl, and Anaya's dad ended up leaving the ultrasound picture on the coffee table, and his dad ended up finding it.
[00:13:04] Speaker A: Oh.
[00:13:05] Speaker B: So once his dad found out, luckily, his dad was very supportive. He was just like, I wish you guys didn't keep this from me for so long.
[00:13:13] Speaker A: Right.
[00:13:14] Speaker B: He went through a lot of emotions, but, you know, he was like, I'm going to make sure my son does the right thing.
[00:13:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:20] Speaker B: But he was like, we need to talk to your parents if you haven't told them. So that was the hard part because I was just like, yeah, I didn't really feel comfortable having that conversation with his dad present just because I kind of knew what to expect from my mom.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: Right. Of course.
[00:13:38] Speaker B: So I remember calling my best friend, who actually has been my best friend since I was 5 years old. Still is. Shout out to Payne.
[00:13:46] Speaker A: Yay. Payne's awesome.
[00:13:48] Speaker B: Yes. She is so awesome. So I had contacted her, and I'm like, hey, Like, I have to Tell my mom, like, can you go with me? Like, maybe if you go with me, she won't be as mad. So she went with me to tell my mom.
And I remember breaking the news to her and like, my mom was so furious.
And my mom actually was pregnant at the time too.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: Oh, goodness.
[00:14:13] Speaker B: So, yeah, immediately she. When I told her, she was so upset. Like, she kind of just stormed out the house.
My stepdad was very supportive in that moment. You know, he was just. He didn't know what to say. But he also assured me, like, I wouldn't be alone and that he was going to be there for me.
[00:14:32] Speaker A: That's good.
[00:14:34] Speaker B: But my mom, yeah, she didn't take it well at all. She ended up walking out of the house and then when she came back, she was like, yeah, you have to get out. Like, you're not going to be in my home pregnant. Like, I'm pregnant. And it was just a no go for her. So I ended up staying at an is dad's house and I, as my daughter.
[00:14:54] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:14:55] Speaker B: And I stayed there up until I actually had her.
And that kind of took a toll on, I feel like, our relationship, my personal relationship, because here we are, we just found out we're pregnant at six months. And like, there was a lot of things he wasn't prepared for.
[00:15:16] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: So now, you know, he's helping take care of his pregnant girlfriend. Like, I had, like, lots of sickness after that and I couldn't really eat anything. Like, I was just really struggling throughout the pregnancy. It just didn't do good for my body.
[00:15:35] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:36] Speaker B: And his dad made him prioritize me. You know, he was just like, unfortunately, like, you have a kid on the way.
[00:15:42] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:42] Speaker B: So I felt like that took a lot of time away from what he loved.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:48] Speaker B: Which was football.
[00:15:49] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: And wrestling.
[00:15:51] Speaker A: Right. So then now he had to prioritize you over the things that made him.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: Happy and start thinking about his future. You know, like his future was to go pro as a football player or to make a career out of wrestling. And now his dad didn't feel like that was in his future anymore. So his dad was kind of like, you need to prepare yourself to go to the military. Like, you can't, you know, live this fantasy anymore. Like, you're not guaranteed to go to college and go pro and how are you going to go to college and play and support a family.
So it was kind of stripped away from him, you know, like, he had to prioritize other things, but unfortunately that made him resent me. Like, now he was Upset with me, like, why weren't you more responsible? Like, why didn't you stick to a birth control? You know, it was a lot of emotions that we went through, which was hard for me, because going through that prior, all he talked about was wanting to have a baby. You know, when you're young, in love, you just, you know, you kind of feed into it. It. You're like, yeah, we can do fantasy becomes your person, your safe space. And, you know, and when someone becomes your safe space, like, you think that's forever, right?
[00:17:08] Speaker A: Yeah, totally.
[00:17:09] Speaker B: So it was very, like, hard to now, like, be on the other side of the fence.
[00:17:14] Speaker A: Like, this man that I fell in.
[00:17:16] Speaker B: Love with is now, like, you resent.
[00:17:18] Speaker A: Resenting me.
[00:17:19] Speaker B: Now it's my fault.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: Right Now I feel like you feel I'm a burden all of a sudden, right?
[00:17:25] Speaker B: Yeah. So we really struggled, and that's when the mental abuse came in for us, unfortunately.
[00:17:37] Speaker A: What did that look like?
[00:17:38] Speaker B: That was really hard.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:41] Speaker B: The mental abuse. Yeah. Belittling me, telling me I was never going to amount to anything.
[00:17:52] Speaker A: Those are hard things that, like, so many of our Hope House moms talk about that a lot of. Just very similar story. Right. Of.
[00:18:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:03] Speaker A: Constantly this person that I was, my safe space and I. We were so in love. And now all of a sudden, they're saying these hurtful, mean things to me, and it starts to.
It starts to really seep into your brain and you can't get those words outside of your.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: Yeah. You start to believe it because this is supposed to be someone you love, someone you look up, you know, like, this is your safe space. So.
[00:18:26] Speaker A: And I'm about to have a child with this person.
[00:18:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:29] Speaker A: Which feels even scarier because now I have, like, I have this tie, that permanent tie to them now.
[00:18:36] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I feel like after constantly hearing you're not good enough or you're never going to be anything now that you're a teen mom or you don't look beautiful anymore. Like, my body is changing. Right. And after constantly hearing those things over and over again, you start to believe it.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:54] Speaker B: You know, and you're just kind of like, yeah. It becomes a part of your daily.
[00:18:58] Speaker A: Routine, like sort of your identity. Once you hear it so much, you start to feel like, this is. I guess this is who I am.
[00:19:05] Speaker B: I'm not going to find no one better.
[00:19:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:07] Speaker B: And that was something that he always used to tell me, like, no one's going to want you. Like, you have a kid now who's going to want to be with someone who has a kid. So, yeah, like, I just eventually felt like it became a part of my identity. Like, yeah, who is going to want me?
[00:19:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:23] Speaker B: Like, what am I going to do now that I'm a teen mom? Like, how am I gonna provide for her? You know?
[00:19:30] Speaker A: Like, now you're super dependent on this person who is really emotionally abusive.
[00:19:36] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:19:37] Speaker A: So then you have Anaya.
[00:19:39] Speaker B: Yes, So I have Anaya. And right before I had Anaya, though, the mental abuse became so numbing to me that I wouldn't react. Like, he couldn't get a reaction out of me. He couldn't get tears out of me. He couldn't get anger out of me. Like, I just became numb. So I want to survival. Yeah. So when I became, like nine months, he physically started abusing me and would, like, he would never hit me in my stomach, but he would, like, make me at a point to, like, choke me or hit me in my face or hit me, honestly, anywhere outside of my stomach and would justify. Like, he wouldn't hurt the baby. Like, he hated me in those moments, but he felt like he was still protecting the baby, which he claimed to still love at that time.
So that was really hard for me because again, I'm staying at his dad's house with him. His dad is never home.
[00:20:36] Speaker A: Did his dad know?
[00:20:37] Speaker B: No. And I was so afraid to tell his dad because I was just so afraid of him.
[00:20:42] Speaker A: Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
[00:20:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, I was so afraid of him, and I did confide in, like, a couple of his friends and a couple of other mutual friends that we had, but no one believed it. Like, they've never seen that side of him. Like, I honestly never saw that side of him. So when I was first vocal about it, I felt like I wasn't heard. Like, people questioned it. So it definitely made me scared to tell his dad. Like, oh, his dad's probably not going to believe me, or his dad is going to make me leave and then, like, where do I go and what do I do? Right. Like, I have to think about where me and the baby are going to go if I can't live here.
[00:21:22] Speaker A: Right.
[00:21:23] Speaker B: So.
[00:21:23] Speaker A: Which must have felt so just.
[00:21:25] Speaker B: Yeah. So I kind of just dealt with it.
[00:21:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:28] Speaker B: And he also had two brothers.
One brother. He really didn't care. He never would make it a point to step in and, you know, come to my defense, especially when his brother was being physical. But he did have an older brother who also. I think he struggled with, like, autism and he.
I think he was bipolar, but he was A sweetheart. So he would step in in those moments, which also led into him being physically abused for stepping in those moments.
But he too was afraid to, like, tell his dad. Right. Like, we're both afraid of him. But his brother actually became my safe space. You know, like before an argument would escalate, he'll try to tell his brother, like, come outside and talk to me. And I have, you know, try to take his mind off of it.
[00:22:19] Speaker A: Right. Distract him a little bit.
[00:22:21] Speaker B: Yeah. And he would, like, always come check on me.
Yes, he definitely became a safe space. But right before I gave birth to Anaya, I remember me and her dad getting into an argument over something with my phone. I think he might have been, like, playing a game on my phone. He kind of like, I was just non existent to him anymore.
[00:22:47] Speaker A: Right.
[00:22:47] Speaker B: You know? Right. But yeah, he used to, at the time, Candy Crush was like a. Being good old obsessed with. Yeah. Playing that game. That was kind of like his way of, like, winding down, you know, like after work or school. And he used to play it on my phone. And I remember this particular day, he was like, playing it for hours. And there were some things that we needed to get in in order because we're about to have the baby. And I remember asking for my phone and he wouldn't give me my phone. And he got so upset that I kept asking for my phone. He ended up hitting me in my face with the phone and the phone broke and he ended up, like, beating me really bad. So I ended up calling my stepdad, like, just terrified. Like, okay, I really have to get out of here.
[00:23:37] Speaker A: Yeah, I can't stay.
[00:23:38] Speaker B: And I expressed to, like, my stepdad all the physical abuse I was going through, and he had no idea.
So immediately, like, he, you know, jumps into action and he's like, just run out the house, like, I'm coming to get you.
[00:23:52] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:53] Speaker B: So I remember trying to, like, make a run for it. And Anaya's dad stopped me at the garage door and told me, like, if your dad pulls up to get you, like, I'm gonna kill him. Like, I'm gonna shoot him and kill him. And I really. I was really terrified of him at that time. At this point, he started hanging out with, like, the wrong crowd. So he was, like, affiliated with some gangs and stuff. So I knew he was capable of it.
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Right.
[00:24:21] Speaker B: So I ended up calling my dad back, like, you know, I got myself in this situation and, like, I'm afraid for you to come. Like, I don't want to put your life in jeopardy.
[00:24:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:32] Speaker B: So I didn't end up sending my dad the address and he made me cut off my communication with my dad. So, yeah, it was more control.
[00:24:43] Speaker A: Right. I'm gonna isolate you from all the people that could help you.
[00:24:47] Speaker B: Yeah. So it was really hard. And again, like, I just felt like I couldn't go to anyone. Cause I'm like, I felt like I was vocal and there was no help. Like, it was hard for people to believe that he could be this person.
[00:25:00] Speaker A: Right.
[00:25:01] Speaker B: So I ended up coming back and it kind of got. I want. I don't want to say it got better. It just, you know, regular routine. Like, you know, he barely talked to me. Like, we kind of just coexisted.
[00:25:15] Speaker A: Right.
[00:25:16] Speaker B: Which was really hard. And then I want to say, a week before we had Anaya, he had a heart to heart and he was just like, you know, I'm sorry for taking my anger out on you. Like, we need to prepare for this baby. So he reels me back in.
[00:25:31] Speaker A: Right.
[00:25:32] Speaker B: You know, I'm like, that's all I.
[00:25:33] Speaker A: Want to get that whole cycle of abuse. Right. Like, yeah, so good. It's all going to be okay.
[00:25:37] Speaker B: Like, yeah, we're on the same page.
[00:25:39] Speaker A: Right.
[00:25:39] Speaker B: It's going to be a beautiful experience.
[00:25:40] Speaker A: Right, Right.
[00:25:41] Speaker B: So, yeah, fast forward.
I end up having Anaya. And yeah, it got worse after that because now the baby's here, so.
[00:25:53] Speaker A: Which adds more stress and responsibility.
[00:25:56] Speaker B: Active. She's waking up throughout the night. I'm trying to recover.
So he definitely wasn't prepared for that.
And his dad started to notice that he was slacking on helping. So now he has his dad on his back about, you know, you need to do the right thing, son. You need to prioritize this. So I feel like it set him back into that abuse.
[00:26:23] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: And the resentment.
[00:26:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:26:26] Speaker B: So then the infidelity came and yeah, he started cheating and the physical abuse kept happening. The physical abuse actually got worse. I.
I would never go a week without being abused physically.
So, yeah, it just became a part of like my norm. Right.
Then he ended up getting in trouble. So his dad did give him the opportunity to try to go to college and make the best of whatever he wanted to do. Right, right. But that didn't end up falling through because he ended up getting in trouble at school, which caused him to get kicked out. So his dad was like, you have to go to the military, like immediately. So he ended up enlisting in the military.
And I want to say he was 19 when that happened.
[00:27:21] Speaker A: Okay. Yeah.
[00:27:22] Speaker B: So I was still 17 yeah. I want to say, like, Anaya wasn't even a year old.
[00:27:29] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:27:30] Speaker B: Yeah. Because for her first birthday. Yeah. He was. He was in the military.
[00:27:35] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: So, yeah, he enlisted fairly quick, and he was stationed in Virginia, so he was getting ready to go on deployment.
And at this time, I had moved in with my uncle, who also, like, helped take care of me growing up. My uncle and my dad.
[00:27:58] Speaker A: So wait, so he goes into the military?
[00:28:01] Speaker B: He goes into the military and then he leaves.
[00:28:03] Speaker A: So then you're getting a break.
[00:28:04] Speaker B: Yeah, so I'm now I'm getting a break.
[00:28:06] Speaker A: You have Anaya's one, and it's just you and her, but you're getting a break kind of from the abuse because he's now gone.
[00:28:11] Speaker B: Okay, Absolutely. And I'm living with my uncle, who also is, like, my childhood hero. Right.
[00:28:17] Speaker A: Awesome. Yeah.
[00:28:18] Speaker B: So, yeah, he has this house. He makes sure. Like, me and I have our own room, and he takes me in, another uncle moves in. So now I'm surrounded by, like, protectors. Right.
[00:28:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:28:30] Speaker B: So I'm trying to, like, navigate and find my independence, and they're helping me do this.
[00:28:35] Speaker A: Right.
[00:28:36] Speaker B: And I'm still trying to work on my relationship with him.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: Right. Because you're still thinking this is still.
[00:28:42] Speaker B: At the end of the day, recover from, like, the infidelity, the mental abuse, the physical abuse.
[00:28:46] Speaker A: Right.
[00:28:47] Speaker B: But at this time, it's still the.
[00:28:48] Speaker A: Father of your daughter. Right? Yeah.
[00:28:50] Speaker B: Yeah. But at this time, I didn't have, like, any resources to therapy. Like, I didn't even know what therapy was.
[00:28:55] Speaker A: Right.
[00:28:56] Speaker B: So I feel like had I known what therapy was at that time, I would have never gave the relationship a chance. Like, as soon as he was stationed in Virginia, I would have called it quits, and I would have cut all ties.
[00:29:08] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:09] Speaker B: But here I am, like, listening to elders tell me, you have to make it work. Like, relationships aren't perfect. So that also made me stay in the toxic relationship, you know?
[00:29:23] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:23] Speaker B: And I'm looking at these elders, like, oh, yeah. Like, they're still married. So maybe this. This is normal. Like, maybe you do have to go through these things to make your relationship strong.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:34] Speaker B: So that's what I tried to do.
And then, yeah, one night he calls me and he's like, hey, I'm getting ready to be deployed in two days, so I'm going to fly in tomorrow, we're going to go to the courthouse, we're going to get married, and then I'm going to leave right after. And I'm just like, yeah, right. So I Tell my friend. And she's like, you better not marry him. Like, he's joking. And I'm like, I think he's joking, too, you know?
[00:30:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:30:01] Speaker B: So, yeah, he's like, no, I'll be at the airport tomorrow at this time. And I'm thinking he's bluffing. I'm like, there's no way. So, sure enough, the next day, that time has passed, he calls me, furious. Like, why aren't you at the airport? Why haven't you picked me up? And I'm like, holy crap. Like. Like, this is for real.
So I go to the airport, I pick him up, and he's like, we have to head down to the courthouse. Like. And so now I'm scared, and I'm like, there's no way I can marry you. He's like, you have to marry me. Like, I'm going on deployment. He. At that time, he was having issues with his mom and dad, so he was like, the only way you can be my beneficiary is if we get married. And he was like, I'm not leaving anything to, like, my parents, my siblings. And that's all he actually had, you know?
So he was like, we have to do this. Like, this will secure yours in the baby's future. So I remember him telling me, like, don't do it for you. Like, think about our child. Like, she needs benefits.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: Do it for a night.
[00:31:06] Speaker B: Like, Right. Medicaid isn't great.
[00:31:08] Speaker A: Right.
[00:31:08] Speaker B: You know, I'm setting this up for greatness.
[00:31:11] Speaker A: Right.
[00:31:11] Speaker B: So I didn't have much time to think about it, but nope. I mean, when you was this, like.
[00:31:15] Speaker A: Literally, like, in the car.
[00:31:17] Speaker B: In the car, like, we didn't even have time. You have, like, 15, 20 minutes. We literally, on the way, picked up a friend and her mom to be witnesses, because you have to have two witnesses. I didn't even know how the process worked. But, yeah, he's like, we're having this conversation, like, leaving the airport, and it's so crazy because the friend that I actually invited to be a witness, like, I knew this friend would condone it. Right.
[00:31:46] Speaker A: Well, you had to be strategic on.
[00:31:47] Speaker B: Like, who's the one that's not going to fight me? Which one is going to be like, no, I didn't. Don't accept this happening.
[00:31:52] Speaker A: Right. Right.
[00:31:55] Speaker B: Yeah. And she actually lived close to the airport, so it kind of just worked out that way. So, yeah, you know, he's painting this picture crazy.
[00:32:03] Speaker A: Like, we have to do this. This is what's best for you and our kid. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:32:08] Speaker B: So we did it. We go down to the courthouse, we get married, and he leaves immediately after. I want to say, maybe a couple of hours after we got married. Yeah. How to drop him right off at the airport.
So, yeah. He gets deployed. He was deployed for, I think, the first time, like, six months. So again, I'm back to having space. Right.
[00:32:35] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:32:37] Speaker B: And now he's, like, sending, like, $250 a month. Right. I had no idea. Like, you even got spousal allowance.
[00:32:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:32:49] Speaker B: Right. You get money, housing allowance.
[00:32:52] Speaker A: Right. You're like, oh, there's some perks that came with this marriage.
[00:32:55] Speaker B: Now, at the time, it's crazy because I had no idea. Right.
I'm just working, you know, And I also have, like, my uncle's financially helping out, so I was just grateful to have what he was sending me. So.
[00:33:09] Speaker A: But he was getting way more that he wasn't.
[00:33:11] Speaker B: That I had no idea.
[00:33:13] Speaker A: Right.
[00:33:13] Speaker B: But we'll get into that soon.
So, yeah, he was gone for the six months, and, you know, being gone for six months, only being able to communicate via email or to call each other once a week, like, I felt like we were starting to fall back in love. Right. He's out there all alone, and he has a lot to think about.
[00:33:33] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:33:34] Speaker B: And that's what he was constantly saying. Like, oh, yeah, it's going to get better. Like, I realized, you know, where I was wrong. So here I am again, like, falling back into the track.
[00:33:44] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: So at this point, he's like, when I come back from deployment, you need to move here to Virginia so I can help you with the baby. And we just, you know, need to establish our new life.
[00:33:58] Speaker A: Right.
[00:33:59] Speaker B: So I remember he came home from deployment, and when he came home from deployment, the first day he came back, he physically assaulted me. Yeah. I can't even remember what he got upset with me for.
[00:34:15] Speaker A: Did he have, like, a house that you guys were moving into, or you flew out there and then.
[00:34:20] Speaker B: Yeah. So right before. I want to say, maybe three weeks before he got back from deployment, he already had, like, lined up an apartment, Got approved for it.
[00:34:31] Speaker A: Got it. Okay.
[00:34:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:32] Speaker A: So you were. You were flying out there to move into this apartment.
[00:34:36] Speaker B: So I was getting ready to go. Yeah. Fly out there.
[00:34:39] Speaker A: Got it.
[00:34:39] Speaker B: But he came back to Denver to get me and my daughter because we needed to drive stuff out there.
[00:34:44] Speaker A: Got it. Okay.
[00:34:44] Speaker B: Right. Yeah. So we ended up doing that. But the first day he got back from deployment, I can't remember what we got into it about, but, yeah, he ended up physically assaulting Me and my uncle was actually at the house, and he was asleep. So my uncle, like, runs out of his room, like, what's going on? By that point, my uncle doesn't, like, see the physical assault happen. He just sees me crying. He heard the commotion, and he kept asking me, like, did he put his hands on you? And here I am. I'm scared, right? Like, I know what he's capable of. So I'm like, no. Like, we just had a disagreement. Like, I'm sorry, we argued in your house, right? So my uncle was, like, super upset. He ended up leaving, going into work early, and then I was expected to leave that following day.
[00:35:33] Speaker A: Right?
[00:35:33] Speaker B: So when my uncle got home from work that night, Anaya's dad wasn't there. I think he went to go hang out with some friends.
And my uncle sat me down and he was just like, you can't go. Like, you cannot move out there with him.
[00:35:46] Speaker A: Right?
[00:35:46] Speaker B: And he was just. Just like, there's something you're not telling me. Like, you're telling me, like, you're getting into arguments, but I feel like it's deeper than that. Like, I know you, right? And I'm just like, no, like, that's not true. Like, we're in love. Like, we're going to get through this. Like, you know, all couples have disagreements, right? So here I am, like, lying for him.
My uncle knew I was lying. So my uncle told me.
He gave me an ultimatum. He was like, if you go, like, that's it. Like, right, I'm done with you.
[00:36:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:21] Speaker B: And if you get out there and it gets worse, like, you're.
[00:36:24] Speaker A: You call me.
[00:36:26] Speaker B: Yeah. Don't call me. Because I'm trying to, like, prevent this from happening.
But so it made me definitely think about, should I go?
[00:36:34] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:35] Speaker B: Right.
And I was really scared of, like, losing my uncle because this is somebody who's my protector, who stepped in when no one else would, and.
[00:36:47] Speaker A: Right.
[00:36:47] Speaker B: My best friend. Like, I love my uncle. Like a father figure.
[00:36:51] Speaker A: Right?
[00:36:51] Speaker B: So the thought is so hard. Losing that relationship if I go was, like, hard, Right? But I was just like, but you're.
[00:37:00] Speaker A: Trying to outweigh also the fear versus the. Yeah, that's so hard. Like, impossible position. It feels like a little bit.
[00:37:07] Speaker B: Yeah. So it ended up coming down to, my uncle's not gonna cut me off.
[00:37:13] Speaker A: He loves that.
[00:37:14] Speaker B: He loves me way too much. So I decided to leave anyway. And when I left, I called my uncle, let him know that I made it to Virginia, and he was like, I wish you the best. And he was like, don't contact me anymore.
And I thought he was bluffing, but he definitely was not bluffing.
When I tried to call after that, he wouldn't pick up.
So here I am now in Virginia, and I went to Virginia for a year. We ended up living in Virginia beach, which actually was weird to me because he was stationed in Norfolk. So I, like, had this vision, like, oh, when I move down there, I'm gonna live on base. I'm gonna be able to, like, make friends with the other military wives. Like, I get to see his world up close and personal.
But we ended up getting an apartment in Virginia beach, which is, like, 45 minutes away from Norfolk, so that was kind of odd to me.
[00:38:19] Speaker A: So now you're still very isolated. There's not a good opportunity for you to make friendships like you envisioned.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. And then he also had gifted me a car, a push gift, and then he told me that he was going to get himself a car, so that didn't end up happening. So now I'm living in Virginia Beach. He's stationed in Norfolk, and he never got another vehicle. So now he has to take the vehicle to work every day. So I'm. It's just me and my daughter stuck at home. Stuck at home in this apartment. I don't know anyone. I can't go anywhere. Literally, we're in the apartment or at the pool.
[00:39:01] Speaker A: Right.
[00:39:01] Speaker B: So eventually, I. I want to say that was going on for, like, maybe the first month, and then I was finally like, okay, Like, I can't live like this. Like, I can't work. I can't take her to go do anything. Like, we've literally been in this apartment for 30 days.
[00:39:17] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
[00:39:18] Speaker B: Looking at each other like, I'm going crazy at this point.
[00:39:21] Speaker A: Right.
[00:39:22] Speaker B: And how.
[00:39:23] Speaker A: How was Anaya at this point?
[00:39:25] Speaker B: At that point, Anaya was, like, maybe a year and a half.
[00:39:31] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:39:32] Speaker B: Yeah, maybe like a year and a half.
Yeah. So, like, I don't have any friends. I don't know anybody. I can't work.
[00:39:39] Speaker A: Right.
[00:39:40] Speaker B: I'm only obligated to be a mom. And I started to. I also didn't get to finish high school, so getting my GED or my high school diploma was very important to me. And that was something that he promised he would make sure happened. So I ended up enlisting. Well, I ended up enrolling into a high school that they had out there. It was like.
I want to say it was. It was an online high school, but you had to go in person.
[00:40:10] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:40:11] Speaker B: To do, like, your online courses. Right. So that wasn't working out. Right. Like, it didn't align with his schedule. He told me, like, he couldn't afford a sitter, so it just, like, wasn't working out. So we had to put that on pause. So finally, I did end up making a friend. A girl that I've known from high school ended up moving to Virginia, too, and she also stayed in Norfolk, so.
[00:40:35] Speaker A: That worked out really well.
[00:40:38] Speaker B: Her mom, I think, was, like, running, like, a small daycare out of her house at the time. So she offered to watch our daughter for maybe, like, a couple hundred dollars a month, which was a blessing. Right. So now I had convinced him, like, to let me use the car. It would be perfect. I could drop him off at work in the mornings and then drop my daughter off to the sitter and then go back to Virginia beach to go to school. So I did that for maybe a week, and he cut me off. Like, he didn't like the independence that I was starting to have. Like, he was more concerned about, oh, like, who are you meeting when you go to school? Like, is it women and men there.
[00:41:24] Speaker A: Like, needed to keep you under control?
[00:41:27] Speaker B: Yeah. Like, so I'm like, well, yeah, obviously, like, men and women go there. So as soon as he knew men were attending, he was like, you need to find another program.
Like, I don't feel comfortable with that. So he took the car back.
[00:41:42] Speaker A: Yep. Now you're stuck again.
[00:41:45] Speaker B: Now I'm stuck in the house with the baby again. So that's when he realized, like, he can control me.
He had full control. And I couldn't call anyone back at home. Right. Like, the only person I would call is Pain. Anybody outside of that, like, didn't even have capacity. No one felt sorry for me because they were like, why did you go in the first place?
[00:42:05] Speaker A: Right.
[00:42:06] Speaker B: Like, we were trying to prevent this from happening. So now you're out there. You have to deal with it. So that was really hard.
[00:42:13] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:42:14] Speaker B: And I, like, literally, Pain was the only person I could talk to. And then it finally got to a point where I felt like I was mentally putting her through trauma, because here she is a teen, right. She doesn't have kids, and her best friend is in a whole nother state, and she's just like, what can I do?
[00:42:35] Speaker A: Right?
[00:42:35] Speaker B: Like, I don't have. Like, I'm trying to get through high school. It's not like, I can send for you guys and get you guys back here, you know?
[00:42:42] Speaker A: Right.
[00:42:42] Speaker B: So she was very limited to what she could do, and she started holding me Accountable, like, you know, like, yeah, people told you not to go, and now you're out there in this situation, like, and I can't help you. And now she's, like, dealing with trauma from it. Like, she can't be a normal teenager.
[00:43:03] Speaker A: Right.
[00:43:03] Speaker B: She can't go to a party and have fun because she's thinking about, like, what is happening with me and Anayam.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: Right.
[00:43:10] Speaker B: So I started to distance myself from her. Right. Cause I'm like, well, I'm in a position where I can't leave, so who am I going to talk to now? So I slowly started distancing myself from her, and now I'm in a situation where I'm just stuck. Like, I have to deal with this. Whatever he wants has, it goes, you know, like, I have no other option.
[00:43:32] Speaker A: Right.
[00:43:33] Speaker B: So then he started complaining about money. Right.
Because me and the baby's in the house all the time. So now I'm just ordering stuff online for us to do in the house. So that was very frustrating for him. And he told me that I needed to get a job. So I ended up applying for jobs out there. I got hired at a Target, which was nice to have a getaway.
[00:43:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:44:00] Speaker B: But he was not okay with the initial sitter babysitting our daughter anymore because I confided in her too much. I've already told her too much about some of the trauma I was dealing with. Right. So he no longer wanted our daughter to go to her, so he ended up having one of his brothers move out there with us. So his brother moved out there with us, and I don't have a good relationship with him. Right. So this is the same brother who would witness me getting mentally and physically abused and when we lived in Colorado.
[00:44:38] Speaker A: Right.
[00:44:38] Speaker B: And he would never do anything.
[00:44:39] Speaker A: Right.
[00:44:40] Speaker B: So now this is the brother that is coming to live with us, who also has a lot of issues right now.
[00:44:46] Speaker A: You feel like you're gonna maybe be ganged up on.
[00:44:48] Speaker B: Yeah. So, like, now I'm like, oh, my God. Like, I have to deal with both of them.
[00:44:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:44:51] Speaker B: So it was nice when I got the job at Target, because when his brother moved in, he watched our daughter.
So I want to say I worked at Target maybe a month, so it was nice to, like, have the getaway.
But then I, like, started noticing when I would leave to work, like, my daughter would, like, cling to me, like, would cry. Like, she didn't want me to. Excuse me. Leave her. So that kind of started, you know, worrying me a little bit, like, why?
[00:45:24] Speaker A: This is weird. Why is she so concerned about me leaving.
[00:45:28] Speaker B: Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
[00:45:29] Speaker A: You're good. Grab some water if you need some sort.
[00:45:39] Speaker B: Okay, Sorry.
[00:45:41] Speaker A: It's always concerning when you're a kid, you know, you always know when your kid is.
[00:45:46] Speaker B: Yeah. Like as a mom, like, you know when something isn't right. So I remember praying to God, like, if something isn't right or if something's happening when I'm leaving my daughter, like, please bring it to light.
Crazy. What you asked for. Yep. Be careful what you asked for. Yes, Sorry. Right, so I, I want to say the next day I went to work.
Brandon used. Brandon, that's Anaya's dad, he used to have Thursdays off.
So he picked me up that day after work and it was really late. I used to get off like around maybe like 11:30 at night. So our manager was a guy, so he would make sure, like he walked everybody out to their cars so they got there safely, right. So he picked me up Thursday night after work. He seen that the guy walked me and another girl out and he was furious, right? So we get home, he physically assaults me again and he's like, you're. You're not going back to work. Like, that's it. Tomorrow you're not going back. I'm taking the car again. And that's just that, right? So that's what he ends up doing.
And then a couple days later, now, like, I'm depressed. I remember like waking up and not being able to get out of bed. And it was to the point where like, Anaya would just like crawl out a bit. She knew how to go in the living room and turn cartoons on herself and she like, yeah, she kind of made a routine of doing that. I felt like I was in that depression immediately. Like, I'm like, what am I going to do now? Like, every time I feel like I have something going for myself, he just snatches it away from me, right? So his brother, we only had a one bedroom. No, we had a two bedroom at the time. And I had her own room. So his brother would sleep on the couch or on the living room floor. So after not being able to go back to work and I would wake up in this, like, depressed mood and I like, would find her way to the living room.
That's where his brother would be. So I remember this one day, I wake up and I'm just laying in bed.
Anania regular routine, goes in the living room, turns her cartoons on, right? And then I just hear her screaming, right? So I like, hop up out of the bed. And as I'm entering the bed, entering the living room, he's throwing, like, a sock at her. Like, you know when you ball up your socks? He threw it and it hit her face, and I just, like, immediately, like, freak out, right? Like, why are you throwing something at her? The mama bear?
[00:48:37] Speaker A: And you was like, no.
[00:48:38] Speaker B: Yeah. So now I'm, like, freaking out. I'm, like, cussing him out. I'm telling him he needs to get out. I'm calling Brandon, like, you need to come home. Like, your brother just threw something at her face. And, like, right before that, she was screaming. So Brandon ends up coming home home, and him and his brother end up getting into it. Because Brandon is noticing things too, right? He's like, yeah, there's been, like, a couple of times where, like, I noticed when he's supposed to be watching her, like, Brandon would just pop up at the house sometimes on his breaks, and her diaper will be soiled or she'll be really hungry. So when I initially told him, like, what had happened, he believed me. And he was just like, yeah, I think, like, my brother is going through some things. Like, maybe he's not going to be the best fit to, like, watch her.
[00:49:26] Speaker A: Right?
[00:49:26] Speaker B: And he was like, this proves my point even more. Like, why you needed to quit your job. Like, you need to be home with her so things like this doesn't happen.
So after I told on his brother and Brandon, like, would go back to work. Now I'm dealing with his brother.
[00:49:44] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:49:45] Speaker B: Feeling upset, Right.
[00:49:46] Speaker A: He's now mad at you because how?
[00:49:48] Speaker B: Between us.
[00:49:48] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:49:49] Speaker B: Like, you know, he's going back, telling Brandon, and, like, oh, she doesn't do anything all day. Like, all she does is, like, surf the net or she's on Facebook too much.
[00:49:57] Speaker A: Right?
[00:49:58] Speaker B: And I'm like, well, what. What else can I do?
[00:50:00] Speaker A: Right?
[00:50:01] Speaker B: You know what I mean? Like, I have to share a laptop with you. You're looking for a job, right? I can't look for a job. I can't go back to school, right? Like, all I can do is get on Facebook, right? You know what I mean? Like, and clean, like, the house is spotless. There's nothing else I can do to clean this place. Like, is spotless. You could eat off the kitchen floor if you wanted to. So his. Yeah, his brother just started giving me, like, a really, really hard time. And, like, he would, like, go back to Brandon, like, make up all these lies about, like, how Brandon shouldn't be with me. And it was crazy because his brother used to Tell me. Like, I'm going to say whatever I need to to my brother, like, to get you out this house so me and my brother can, like, live together. And at this point, I'm kind of wishing for that to happen. Like, please send me back home. Yeah.
[00:50:49] Speaker A: Yep. I would be okay with that.
[00:50:50] Speaker B: Right. So I remember this one time me and his brother got into, like, a really bad argument because he was being aggressive with my daughter again. So at this point, I'm like, okay, like, if Brandon's not gonna defend her, I'm going to defend her. So I went to the extreme, and I started throwing his clothes off the balcony. Like, you have to get out. You have to leave, because now you're being rough with my daughter in my face.
[00:51:17] Speaker A: Right.
[00:51:18] Speaker B: You don't even care to hide it. You know what I mean? So he calls Brandon. Brandon comes home furious that, like, I'm trying to kick his brother out. And the police come, and they're like, yeah, he needs to leave. Like, if this is happening, like, and she doesn't feel safe, like, this is your wife. This is your daughter. He needs to leave.
[00:51:40] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:51:41] Speaker B: So obviously, his brother doesn't have anywhere to go. He doesn't know anybody down there. So Brandon ended up having to send his brother back to Mississippi, where he was initially living.
And he really resented me after he had to send his brother back, because when his brother got back to Mississippi, he started, you know, having more issues. And now Brandon's feeling like, you didn't make that. Yeah. When my brother was here, and now he's in a worse situation. And if you weren't in the picture, then this would have never happened. So.
[00:52:17] Speaker A: Right.
[00:52:18] Speaker B: He immediately just, you know, started taking his anger out on me. So now the mental abuse is happening more, the physical abuse is happening more, and now it's becoming sexual abuse, you know?
[00:52:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:52:31] Speaker B: So I'm like, I have to. I have to get out of here.
[00:52:34] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, I cannot do this.
[00:52:36] Speaker B: I cannot. But I. Again, like, I'm like, where am I gonna go? So I remember calling my mom, and I'm like, I know we're not on the best terms, but I need to get out of here.
[00:52:48] Speaker A: Right. I don't know what else to do. Right.
[00:52:50] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, what's going on? And I'm telling her, like, what's going on? And how he's, like, physically abusing me in front of my daughter at this point.
And she's like, well, you're married. You have to work through those things. And she was like, well, what are you doing? Wrong. And I'm like, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.
[00:53:09] Speaker A: Right.
[00:53:09] Speaker B: And she was like, well, you just need to do whatever he tells you to do, and you won't have any problems. And I'm like, mom. Like, he's literally like, I'm getting beaten. Yeah. For no reason.
[00:53:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:53:19] Speaker B: I can cook something, and if he doesn't like it, he's gonna beat me. She was like, well, then you need to watch more YouTube videos on how to cook.
[00:53:28] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
[00:53:28] Speaker B: So she's like, kind of like.
[00:53:30] Speaker A: Like, no empathy. No empathy. Yeah.
[00:53:34] Speaker B: So now I'm in my head again, right? Like. Like, okay, am I the problem? Like, is there more that I can be doing? Like, is this what marriage is about? Like, are you supposed to submit to this point? Like, right. So again, I get, like, really depressed, and I'm just like, whatever. Like, I'm stuck in this. There's no way out out. And I'm just dealing with it at that point. Like, to the point where, like, he's so comfortable. He would come home and he would tell me, like, yeah, I'm going out tonight. Like, I'm going on a date. I'll be home at this time. You know, like, make sure my daughter's good and make sure I have something to eat when I get home.
[00:54:13] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:54:13] Speaker B: Like, that's how bad it got. I've never met, like, any of the other military wives. He never introduced me to the guys that he was in the military with. Like, yeah, I was, like, off on my own little island. Like, I could probably count how many times I went on base.
[00:54:30] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:54:31] Speaker B: Yeah. He just would never, like, let me get close enough, you know?
So, yeah, that just kind of became, like, my norm. Like, I guess it's just me and Anaya. And I remember, like, really feeling like I was going crazy because this is. Now this is the only person I can talk to. Right.
[00:54:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:54:52] Speaker B: Is this little girl.
[00:54:53] Speaker A: Right.
So then at some point, you find Hope House.
[00:55:00] Speaker B: Yes. So I kind of got. I had gotten used to the beatings at this point. Right.
Then there was this one particular times, this tie I found found Hope House. There was one night he had came home from work, and I can't remember what he got upset about, but he. He was drinking, and he got really upset about something, and he. He started beating me. And this was probably, like, the worst he had ever beaten me.
Yeah, he.
He had beat me to the point where I blacked out.
And I remember waking up and he was sitting on the couch drinking a Corona as I was laying there, and I remember my daughter, like, crying and holding my head up, and I'm, like, bleeding. Gosh. Yeah. So traumatic.
[00:56:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:56:06] Speaker B: Yeah. I remember my daughter, like, holding my head and she's, like, crying, and I'm, like, trying to find the strength and trying to, like, figure out what's happening. Like, why am I on the floor? And, like, I'm just looking at him, and I could just see. It's like the devil was looking at me, you know, up close and personal.
And I remember everything kind of being, like, in slow motion. So, like, I get up, and he's just sitting there drinking a beer. He's not tending to our daughter. So I remember, like, getting up, I find my way to the bathroom, and when I look in the mirror, I can't even recognize myself.
[00:56:42] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh.
[00:56:44] Speaker B: That's how bad he had beaten me.
[00:56:46] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:56:46] Speaker B: So I'm like, you have to take me to the hospital. You have to take me to the hospital. But we have military insurance, so he would have to take me on base, Right. To avoid paying any medical bills and stuff. So he's like, no, like, I can't take you to the hospital, like, because I'm going to get arrested because I have to take you on base.
So he let me sit there for. In pain for, like, two hours. And then he. I finally convinced him to take me to the hospital in Virginia Beach. And I was just like, I. Like, I'll put it in my name, like, I'll pay the medical bills. Like, I have to go to the hospital, though, or this might turn into something worse. Like, yeah, I'm like, I could die right now. And then what are you gonna do?
So I convinced him to take me to the hospital. We go to a Virginia beach hospital.
At some point, I end up blacking out again.
And when I wake up this time, I'm in the hospital bed and there's a nurse, him and my daughter in the room. And the nurse is, like, asking him questions. And he. I don't know. He's already done told her this story. So when I finally wake up, she's just like, you know, ask me questions. She asked me, like, do I remember, like, what happened before I got there?
And I'm like, telling her I don't remember what happened, although I do remember what happened.
[00:58:09] Speaker A: Right, but you feel too scared.
[00:58:10] Speaker B: Yeah, I was too scared to say anything. And I promised I wouldn't say anything. I just wanted to get treatment.
[00:58:15] Speaker A: Right.
[00:58:16] Speaker B: So she's like, okay. And she was just like, well, do you like, know where you are, ask me all these questions. And I'm like, no. Well, I know I'm at the hospital, like, and I just know I need treatment. I'm not really sure, like, what happened prior, how I got here.
[00:58:31] Speaker A: Right?
[00:58:31] Speaker B: So then she tells me. She was like, well, your husband said that he had came home from taking your daughter out to get pizza for dinner, and they found you like that outside of, like, the apartment. And she was like. And he's under the impression like, you were attacked, like someone tried to rob you or attack you or something. And she was like, is any of that, like, you know, coming to. Coming to your mind? And I'm like, no. Like, not right now. And I was like, but, you know, maybe that happened, right? And she could see me, like, looking at him. Like, I'm like, she could tell.
[00:59:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:59:05] Speaker B: You know, she knows something's up. So she asks him to leave the room, and he refuses to leave the room. So she leaves. She comes back with a police officer, and the police officer makes him leave the room, and he leaves the room with our daughter. And the police officer is, like, asking me questions, and he's just like, we know the story your husband told us is bs. He was like, because your bruises have settled. You're, like, purple now, so he didn't bring you here immediately. Like, you sat like this for a while. And he was like, so the story he told us isn't true, is it? And I'm just quiet. And he was just like, are you from here? And I'm like, no. Like, I'm from Colorado. And he was like, do you have any family back in Colorado that you can go stay with? And I'm just like, no. Like, I don't. And he was just like, you need to reach out to your family back home. And then he was like, I just want to tell you this story. And he was like, in which to. He was like, you could do what you want with this story. But he was like, I have to share this with you. So he shared a story with me. He was like, there was a military wife that came in there a week prior who had gotten beaten by her husband, and she was nine months pregnant, and she lost her baby. And he was like, you want to know what his punishment was? He was like, they locked him down on the ship for 30 days, and now he's out, and he's abusing her again. And he was like, this could be your life. And he was like, unfortunately, the military runs this state. You know, every time we try to hold them accountable. They end up getting away with it. So he was like, I advise you to try to get back home and never look back. Back.
And that really, like, stuck with me.
[01:00:53] Speaker A: I bet.
[01:00:54] Speaker B: Like, I bet for a police officer to tell me, like, he can't save me.
[01:00:59] Speaker A: Yeah, major warning. You're like, okay, wow. Yeah, right?
[01:01:03] Speaker B: Like, and I can be this lady who, you know, just was here a week ago. So after that, I knew immediately, like, I have to come up with an escape plan. So my husband comes back in. They end up discharging me. And immediately, the next day when he goes to work, I start getting online, and I'm searching shelters, programs that help, like, abused women.
And I'm just, like, calling number after number after number. I swear to you, I probably called at least 100 numbers.
[01:01:42] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
[01:01:43] Speaker B: Between places in Colorado and places in Virginia.
[01:01:46] Speaker A: Right.
[01:01:47] Speaker B: Every place I called in Colorado couldn't help me because I wasn't in Colorado.
[01:01:51] Speaker A: Right.
[01:01:51] Speaker B: And they didn't have the funding to get me to Colorado.
[01:01:54] Speaker A: Right.
[01:01:55] Speaker B: Every place I called in Virginia wouldn't accept me because I was a military wife. And a lot of it made me feel like I was the problem. Right. Like I wasn't being a supportive wife.
[01:02:04] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
[01:02:05] Speaker B: And that I needed to reach out to his.
His commander at the time.
[01:02:12] Speaker A: Wow.
[01:02:13] Speaker B: And I did that. And he told Brandon that I contacted him and told him everything I said, and he came home and he beat me again.
[01:02:24] Speaker A: Yep. Of course.
[01:02:25] Speaker B: So I was just like, okay, the search. Back to the search that actually happened prior to me calling all those numbers. Yeah. Because I remember spending most of that day, like, contacting, like, all these places, and then, yeah, it was just, like, overwhelmed, like, okay, no one can help me. Like, I'm never going to get out of this situation.
So I had took a break from calling numbers, and I only had a few numbers left on my list. And I prayed.
[01:03:00] Speaker A: Yeah.
[01:03:00] Speaker B: Like, I've never prayed before.
[01:03:02] Speaker A: Right.
[01:03:02] Speaker B: Like, I dropped to my knees and I prayed to God, she's desperate for her.
[01:03:06] Speaker A: Please get.
[01:03:07] Speaker B: Get me and my daughter out of this situation.
[01:03:10] Speaker A: Right.
[01:03:10] Speaker B: Safe. Like, if I have to stay here any longer, I'm not going to make it out alive.
[01:03:17] Speaker A: Right.
[01:03:18] Speaker B: So I remember just praying, crying, sitting there with my daughter.
And after I got done praying, I looked at that list, and I'm like, let me just call these other few numbers. So I called. The next number I called was Hope House, and it was you that answered the phone.
And I remember, like, immediately, like, telling you, like, all the things I was going through Like, I just. Yeah, let it all out. And you were like, well, come in now. And I was just like, oh, yeah, I'm in Virginia.
And you were like, oh, no. Like, you know, like, unfortunately, there's only so much we can do because you're in Virginia, Right? But you were like, if you can get here, like, I will save a spot for you.
[01:04:02] Speaker A: Right? I remember. I remember that conversation of, like, I want to help this girl so bad. And I remember telling you, like, girl, if you can get here, you are in, like, yeah, we want to help you.
[01:04:14] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:04:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
[01:04:14] Speaker B: You were like, just get here.
[01:04:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[01:04:16] Speaker B: So I'm like, how am I going to get there? Yeah. So I remember calling pain, and I'm like, hey, like, if I come back, like, can you ask your mom if I can just stay with you guys? And I was like, I promise it'll be temporary. Like, I found this really good program called Hope House, and they're going to help me get on my feet. And I was like, I promise, like, please promise your mom. Like, I am not going to mess this up. Like, I just need this one opportunity, right? So she talked to her mom, and her mom was like, okay. But she was like, we can't afford to help you, like, get back here. So I remember.
I think I called another family member, and they were like, yeah, we'll. We'll pay to help you come back. So I was like, okay, like, now I've got to figure out, like, how. Like, how am I going to leave without him knowing, right? So I was like, we have to book, like, the ticket asap. I think this was probably, like, Monday. So he had duty on Wednesday, and when he has duty, he has to be on the ship for 24 hours. So I was like, that has to be the day I leave.
[01:05:23] Speaker A: That's your window.
[01:05:24] Speaker B: Like, that's my window to leave. And I'm just going to leave with what I got, right. A backpack. Me and my daughter.
[01:05:29] Speaker A: Yep.
[01:05:29] Speaker B: So Wednesday came. I told him, yeah, take the car that day. I was like, we'll be good. He left, and I was out of there.
Got me and my daughter back. And I remember as soon as I landed in Denver, I called you, like, jenny, I'm. I'm here. I remember, do you still have a spot for me? And you were like, oh, yeah, that's. That was quick. Like, I know. I remember being shocked.
[01:05:54] Speaker A: I'm like, dang, she was.
[01:05:55] Speaker B: She legit?
[01:05:56] Speaker A: Like, I was so excited. Like, yes. Oh, my gosh, you're here. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
[01:06:01] Speaker B: Yeah. So I moved in with pain. I was real low key. I cut off my communication with him when I first got there and yeah. Immediately got right into.
[01:06:15] Speaker A: So then you were free.
[01:06:17] Speaker B: I was free.
I thought I was free.
[01:06:20] Speaker A: Well, right. And the story continues.
[01:06:23] Speaker B: And the story continues. We might need a part 2.
[01:06:25] Speaker A: For the sake of time, I think we for sure need to do a part two.
Alicia, you are incredible.
[01:06:36] Speaker B: Thank you.
[01:06:37] Speaker A: You've been through a lot and you are so resilient and so brave and have such an incredible story of just overcoming and bravery and everything that you shared. I know that there are so many of our moms out there and just women out there that are listening that have been through similar things, and I think it helps for you to be brave enough to share your story so they know, like, I'm not alone.
[01:07:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:07:04] Speaker A: And I can't wait to do a part two with you to where we can talk about what happened after that. Like, life has just gotten so much better since then. And to share your journey at Hope House and where you are now. So thank you for being here to share.
[01:07:21] Speaker B: Thanks for having me.
[01:07:22] Speaker A: Part one. And we. But we'll plan a time to come in and do part two to hear the rest of the story. So for everyone listening, thank you for being with us today. Stay tuned for part two of Alicia's story.
The things I didn't know. The things I didn't know about you, About.
