Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to Life Reviewed, a podcast by Hope House Colorado, where we invite you into conversation with teenage moms and the people who champion them. These stories of struggle overcoming and perspective shifts will challenge you to review life as you've known it. One story, one person, one conversation at a time.
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Life Reviewed. I'm so excited to be here today. Today with one of my favorite people, Ms. Amber Tanner Allen, who is one of our alumni from Hope House, has been with us for, gosh, how long, Amber?
[00:00:41] Speaker B: Six years. I came here as soon as I gave birth to Raya. This was my first stop.
[00:00:48] Speaker A: I love that so much. I do remember because she's. How old is she now?
[00:00:52] Speaker B: She is six. She'll be seven in February.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: Crazy going into first grade. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. She's such a beautiful little thing. Well, as all of you know here at Life Reap and at Hope House, we talk a lot about teen moms and some of the maybe stigmas or misunderstandings, misjudgments that we might make about people in general and certainly about teen moms. But one of the things that I think is unique about Amber's story, that I'll kind of jump right in and ask you about Amber is she's actually experienced not only being a teen mom, but also experienced homelessness at a point in her teenage years.
And I think that we have just as a society, we have a lot of misunderstanding and maybe stigmas and judgments around both teen moms and people who have experienced homelessness. And so I'm, you know, just excited isn't the right word, but blessed to be able to have a conversation with you that maybe can dispel some of what people think, maybe even just unconsciously, when they think about oh, teen mom, and then also what people think when they think about homeless. And I think we have a certain picture in our mind of what homeless looks like. And not only that, in addition even to teen mom and homeless, I think running away in, like, quotation marks is also something that sometimes we have these thoughts that, like, well, a teenager who ran away from home must just be a bad kid who's like, misbehaving and won't listen to their parents rules. And so they just ran away.
And that also is not entirely true, at least not always.
So maybe I'll just jump right in and ask you, would you be open to sharing a little bit about your. Your history and your childhood and kind of what led you to being someone who ran away and did experience homelessness?
[00:02:43] Speaker B: Yeah, so my childhood Definitely was shaped by instability. Very early on, my. My mom was not a teen mom, but a young mom. She had me at 22, and she already had my older sister by then, who's two years older than me.
During her pregnancy, she found out that my father had been cheating on her. He actually had gotten my now stepmother pregnant with my little brother, who's less than a pregnancy younger than me.
And so that was, you know, really hard for her, kind of just bringing a child into another broken relationship.
She also, unfortunately, lost her mom around that time from an overdose. Um, and so she really was kind of just out here raising two kids all by herself. Yeah, um, CPS was definitely involved in my life. Um, I was taken into state custody at the age of four, where I stayed with a foster family.
There was some abuse in that family. So I definitely.
You know, I think we like to think that foster care is kind of like a saving grace for kids that need help.
But oftentimes, you know, every system has its flaws, and there are flaws in that system as well.
But thankfully, the state actually got to a point where they wanted to adopt my sister and I out separately.
And that's when my extended family kind of came in and was like, no, we need to keep the girls together.
And we were able to live with my aunt for some time, which was really nice.
My mom never really stopped fighting for us, so she was able to gain back some custody. There was a time when we would go over to her house for, like, the weekend visits and stuff.
And at that time, my dad actually had left his previous relationship and his other two children at that point and had come back. They were in Florida, and he had come back to Colorado. And that's when, you know, he kind of brought more abuse with him.
He moved back in with us at the time we were living in Boulder, and he was just very abusive to my mother physically, emotionally.
He was. Was pretty abusive to us as well, physically and emotionally. And so it was really hard for my mom to get us back when that was a circumstance of the household.
So it wasn't until a few. Well, hold on. I'm skipping a little bit ahead.
So one night, my dad did beat up my mom to the point where she almost died.
I. I remember my sister was there.
I remember being in the room, and my sister was basically just told me, like, don't go outside. We're going to call 911911 came. My father ended up going to prison for, I believe it was about four years.
And so during that time, my mom was able to get us back.
Things felt very, very stable once he was gone.
[00:05:49] Speaker A: Talking about misconceptions, What a beautiful thing that your mom, with all of those struggles and a lot of them not things that she brought on to her own self, was still fighting for you guys. It wasn't like she was like, I don't want my kids. She just had a lot of circumstances in her life that were. How. I mean, how did that feel for you and your sister? Like that she. She was still trying.
[00:06:07] Speaker B: Yeah, it was.
You know, as a. As a child, you don't really understand all of those circumstances, all those adult things that are happening at the time. I did feel almost stolen from my mom.
I think the way that CPS goes about removing children from their house can and sometimes cause addition trauma to those children.
For me, specifically, when we were removed from the house, they came in in the middle of the night, they woke us up. They made us strip naked in front of them to see our bodies and look for any signs of abuse. And then I was told that I was going to a sleepover. I was very excited to go to the sleepover.
And. And two days after being at the house, you know, I realized that my mom wasn't able to come pick me up from the sleepover. And that's when you were four. Yeah. And that's when it really hit what was going on. And so, yeah, I think.
I think that parents definitely have a lot. There is a high expectation that you're supposed to give your children this perfect life and you're supposed to be this perfect parent, and if you fall short, but for whatever reason, then you failed as a parent and you don't deserve your children.
And I feel like that is definitely an overstep, because now as an adult, kind of seeing all of the circumstances that my mom was dealing with, I think that, you know, she. She did love us. She wanted what was best for us. And unfortunately, that's not always easy to give your children.
[00:07:45] Speaker A: You couldn't necessarily provide it at the time.
[00:07:47] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:07:47] Speaker A: And it's. It is so crazy how we look back as adults, and it's like my mom had. I never gave her any credit for this, but she had four kids under the age of four at one point,
[00:07:55] Speaker B: it's a lot of diapers.
[00:07:57] Speaker A: She had me and then twins and then. And then my littlest sister, and it's like, dang. I look back now as a grown up, and I'm like, no wonder she yelled a lot. That's a lot of very small children. Running around. But our perspectives shift when we look at, you know, I've talked about, you know, my background on this podcast as well, and you kind of look back, and it's like, I still have. Even now, you know, my mom's 80 now, but I still have some frustrations and feelings around how things went in our. In our house. And maybe ways I felt like she didn't do all the things she could ever should have done.
But at the same time, I also can look back and go, wow, she was really stuck in a really abusive relationship. And didn't. There's a lot of control in an abusive relationship where the person who's experiencing that abuse doesn't necessarily feel like they have an out to just save the day for everybody.
So, you know, it's kind of beautiful that you're now at a place in life even. You're still a very young woman, so you're, you know, still very fairly young age. You're pretty understanding of your mom and some of the things she experienced, but. So I'm sorry interrupted you, but after. Kind of after your dad went to prison, then you guys were able to be reunited with your mom?
[00:09:16] Speaker B: Yes, yes. And things were. Things were. Things definitely stable.
There was. It was just like a house of love.
You could tell that my mom, we still struggled financially. Bills were still tight. There was still stress in the house, but I wasn't being abused, you know, and when my dad was released from prison, he rejoined our household.
I think that kind of goes back to what you were just saying is I do believe that, you know, my mom made a mistake by letting my dad keep coming back, but I also have to understand and give her the grace that, you know, she lost her mom, she lost her only support. And he was there for her during that time, and I feel like she really held on to him for that. And I talking to her as an adult, I don't think she really noticed the trauma that was being done until after it was already done.
[00:10:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: And so, yeah, I really. I just give her that grace. But, yes, he did rejoin the house, was still abusive. He also became sexually abusive to us as kids.
And that was.
It was definitely difficult.
And it took me. I believe the abuse started when I was about 12, and it continued until I was about 14 years old.
that age, you know, I did have my teenager spunk.
I wasn't a little girl anymore, so to speak. So I definitely kind of took it into my own hands to draw the boundaries that I felt like, needed to be drawn.
And I Kind of gave my mom an ultimatum, and it was either he leaves the home and he doesn't come back where I'm leaving.
[00:11:05] Speaker A: Yeah. That took a lot of guts.
[00:11:07] Speaker B: It definitely did.
And that is, you know, like you said, there. There are some things where we do have to realize that our parents could have done better.
[00:11:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: And in that moment, you know, my. My mom definitely made her decision, which was that my dad was staying in the house.
And so I. I did leave the house, and I was a runaway. And I do want to just talk about kind of the stigma that you brought up about runaways, because when I ran away, there was a lot of runaways. There was lots of different people running away for very different reasons. Yes. There were the kids that just didn't want to be home with their controlling parents and wanted to just go do what they wanted to do.
But there were also quite a few of us that were leaving bad homes.
[00:11:56] Speaker A: Right.
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Homes that were not beneficial for our development, homes that were not beneficial for educational purposes. They just were not serving us with what we didn't even.
[00:12:07] Speaker A: They weren't even safe.
[00:12:07] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:12:08] Speaker A: And at the time that you made the decision to leave your house, you had no idea what. Being on the streets. What the. What's the difference between unsafe at home and unsafe on the streets? You can't know that.
[00:12:18] Speaker B: And I think even on that, there were periods of time where my mom, when she had us, we were homeless, and we lived in cars and we lived in motels. So being homeless wasn't unfamiliar. Unfamiliar. It wasn't super scary. I kind of knew.
You know, I knew about food banks. I knew about homeless shelters.
I knew that I could sleep on the bus and that they would kick me off when they got to their last stop.
So I kind of went out there with this idea of, like, I know what I'm doing, but I. I did
[00:12:53] Speaker A: well, and you knew enough. I mean, it wasn't completely unfamiliar to you, sadly.
[00:12:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:59] Speaker A: But, yeah, I guess. I mean, it did turn out to be not exactly what you had experienced to that point.
[00:13:04] Speaker B: Yes. Yes. It definitely gave me a good reality check.
Specifically, I think my light bulb moment came because I was on the streets. And, you know, a lot of times I'm asked by other parents, like, oh, my child is running away, or my child is engaging in these bad behaviors, and I don't know what to do. And I. I've told them, like, kind of doing that to myself is what made me realize, like, oh, this isn't what I want.
And I hope, you know, I Hope that everybody can have that light bulb moment.
But, yeah, it definitely took me being homeless for quite a while. Sleeping underneath apartment stairwell, sleeping on the bus.
And sometimes we were lucky enough to find, you know, some older people who are also experiencing homelessness that had the money for hotel rooms. And often and times, you know, with us being teenagers, the help was kind of always offered to us.
And one night we ended up staying in a hotel room.
There was probably about six adults there, and they were smoking meth, and they were passing it around, trying to offer it to me.
And the person that I was a runaway with at the time, who was also a teenager, and we were like, no, you know, we don't want it, we don't want it.
And I just, like, remember sitting there, like, looking at them, like, thinking, like, do you guys have children? You know, like, what are. What were your dreams when you were a child?
Like, those really real. Just kind of like, what are we doing in this room right now?
[00:14:44] Speaker A: Yeah. How do we get here?
[00:14:45] Speaker B: Yeah.
And I realized, like, I don't want to be them. I didn't want to be, you know, in my 40s in a dirty hotel room trying to get teenagers to engage in illegal activity with me.
[00:15:00] Speaker A: That's a pretty big light bulb moment.
[00:15:02] Speaker B: It definitely was. And it was.
I still remember that entire day after that moment. I don't think I slept much that night.
And I just thought all day, how. How can I get back home? And how can I make home somewhere where I can go to school and, you know, start building a life for myself?
When I left high school, I left my freshman year with half of a credit.
[00:15:29] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Because I was a runaway, so I.
I didn't get really any credit for that entire year.
When I was able to get back home, thankfully, my dad was already in prison for whatever. It was pretty constant that he was there for something.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: And your mom was fine with just. I mean, she was okay with you coming home and.
[00:15:52] Speaker B: Yeah, back in the house, my mom wanted me home.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: And I think the longer that I was gone, I feel like the more that she really real.
What the. What was actually happening, that her teenage daughter was on the street taking care of herself while a criminal is in her household.
And so I think when I did come back, he never came back into the house again, actually. Okay.
So, yeah, when I. When I went back home, I enrolled into online schooling that was, you know, tailored for kids like me who have, you know, untraditional schooling history.
And in that program, I actually was able to go to college. My Junior year of high school, I graduated high school as valedictorian. I was the one that gave my speech at our, you know, online.
[00:16:41] Speaker A: How did you feel like, literally going from, okay, I was sleeping under a stairwell in an apartment complex to I'm the valedictorian.
[00:16:49] Speaker B: You know, it's really interesting. At the time, I think I have such high expectations for myself. So at the time, it was like, okay, like, I'm. I'm marking the boxes, like, I'm getting the checkpoints done. It didn't feel like a big accomplishment. Like, it felt like everybody graduates high school, you know, and I get to be just like everybody else.
But, you know, being an adult and really being able to compare what a childhood and teenage years are supposed to look like and how that fosters a high school graduation versus what I had and that I made it happen, now I definitely see it as a huge accomplishment. Accomplishment. But, yeah, so good.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: I'm so glad because for our listeners, honestly, you talk right through it like it's, yeah, this is checking the boxes. Here I go. And it's not that in people's brains, what they hear is, wow, like, I'm just gonna stop a minute and take that in. Like, I went from all of the things that you described that you kind of had to experience, unfortunately, and then where that led to, to, I'm taking control at 15.
I'm taking control back of my life, and I'm going to change my life by going back to school.
Not only that, I'm going to pursue all these opportunities to do what lots of teenagers who have not experienced all the things you experienced, who would have an excuse in quotation marks to, you know, you experience so many things, you would have had an excuse to just say, I'm just going to. It's going to be great. If I just graduate, I'll be lucky to get a GED or whatever it might look like. And you chose to go for college in your junior year of high school?
[00:18:30] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:18:31] Speaker A: Take a minute to just say, yeah, I am pretty cool.
[00:18:34] Speaker B: Yeah, I. I guess I am pretty cool.
[00:18:36] Speaker A: You said, good. There you go. I love hearing that.
So you graduate as valedictorian, you get to give the speech, and you're living at home at that point still.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:18:47] Speaker A: What were kind of your plans from there? Like, did you want to go on to. To college?
[00:18:52] Speaker B: Yeah, I definitely. So I was already halfway through my associates at that point, so I. I was dead set on finishing that for sure.
I did decide to take a year off just to kind of Figure out what it is that I'm chasing, what it is, like, what career I want and how I'm gonna pay for it all, you know, getting just all my ducks in a row.
And during that year, that's actually when I met Raya'.
And so, you know, I ended up getting pregnant on an iud, so it was very, very unplanned. She was quite the surprise.
[00:19:32] Speaker A: How old were you? Were you 18?
[00:19:34] Speaker B: I. I believe I was 18 when I found out, and then 19 when I gave birth.
So, yeah, I was. I was definitely young.
And it was interesting because she just felt like it was meant to be. Like, I knew I was pregnant before pregnancy tests were even telling me. Like, I was taking them, and they were negative. And I was like, I. Like, I don't believe you.
So I just kept taking, like.
[00:20:03] Speaker A: What made you so sure?
[00:20:04] Speaker B: You know, that's an interesting question.
I really just felt like.
Like I wasn't really alone anymore. Like, it felt like there was. Was something bigger than me happening inside of myself.
[00:20:17] Speaker A: That's so beautiful.
[00:20:18] Speaker B: Yeah, it was a really strange. Like, it's hard to put words to it. I just. I just knew, you know?
So, yeah, it was definitely a blessing.
I welcomed her into this world in 2020.
Right in the middle of COVID Yes, right in the middle of COVID which I actually was grateful for because it gave me a great excuse to be at home all day with my baby.
Were you.
[00:20:44] Speaker A: Did you and Raya's f. Stay together through that time period?
[00:20:47] Speaker B: We were together while I was pregnant with Raya.
We were trying to decide, you know, we were trying to break off from my family because at the time, we were living with my mom, and so we went and got a trailer of our own.
Unfortunately, that trailer was, I would say, was inhabitable. There was. Was an outrageous amount of cockroaches, like, to the point where they would walk on the wall in broad daylight, and it was just a very dirty park.
And I know while I was pregnant, I was trying to make it clear, like, we can't have a baby in this situation. This isn't, you know, appropriate.
And that's kind of when I realized that we just have very different ideas on what life should look like. Okay. He. He definitely was like, this is normal. Really tried to normalize it.
At the time, I was also, you know, was dealing with pregnancy and then postpartum, so I.
I was, like, emotionally just empty.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: But you brought Ray home to that.
[00:22:00] Speaker B: Yeah. And I would have to bring her home there.
And I probably stayed there for until she was about 4.
Um, and then it, it got to the point where I just had to leave. And that was when we separated and kind of went our own ways.
But today we still co parent, which is lovely. We have 50. 50.
[00:22:22] Speaker A: So you do a really good job.
[00:22:23] Speaker B: Yes. He's, you know, it's not always easy to co parent with somebody, especially somebody when you have those differences in opinions. You know, he was, he's from Georgia, so he is very conservative. He has just those. Conservative.
I am, I don't share those ideals with him.
I definitely, you know, I want to make my own money. I want to have, you know, my own dreams. And I want, you know, there's just a difference in life and that causes issues with co parenting.
But I think, I think knowing that we both love Raya at the end of the day and we both really care about what's actually going to be best for her, really just kind of brings us back to how can we make this work for her? Which is, which is great.
[00:23:13] Speaker A: Yeah, that's great. And you can see it in Raya. She's really a well adjusted kiddo with a lot of spunk and so smart. And you can tell.
[00:23:22] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:23:22] Speaker A: That you guys have worked at the co parenting relationship.
[00:23:26] Speaker B: Yes. And I, I just want to take a second to kind of brag about her smartness.
So she actually has gotten educational awards at every educational or every award ceremony at her school this year.
I, it felt kind of bad because her classmates had to sit there and watch her keep getting awards.
And, you know, I felt guilty, but my mom was like, you know, like, yeah, how dare you have such a smart child? And I was like, you're right.
[00:23:55] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:23:56] Speaker B: But yeah, she is. She's excelling in English, specifically her writing skills. Her teacher says that, like, she doesn't want the boring, short, three word, like three letter word sentences. She wants long words, big sentences.
And so, yeah, I'm, I'm just so grateful that I can kind of see that intelligence. And it, it kind of makes me reflect that, you know, had I had, I had the childhood and the support that Raya has, where could I have been, you know?
[00:24:33] Speaker A: And so still look at where you are.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:35] Speaker A: I mean, you, you did not have those things and yet.
But what is beautiful is you are providing those things for Raya and you're celebrating.
I mean, this is, this is what, this is what we do at Hope House. We celebrate the beautiful things that our moms accomplish and that our kids accomplish. And you're, you're so beautifully celebrating. All the little markers and milestones with her. And she said. I remember her being. She was so articulate at, like, 2.
[00:24:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:59] Speaker A: Like, it's not surprising to me that big words are something for her because she just. She started talking so early.
[00:25:07] Speaker B: Yeah, she. Everyone always thinks she's older than she is. Not just because of her size, but I think just because of how she handles herself. She is.
I mean, I always joke that she's, you know, six going on 16.
[00:25:19] Speaker A: Like, well, she takes after her mama.
Very smart, very articulate, very aware, very sassy.
Yeah, that might be a little like, mom, too.
Very adorable. Sassy.
Okay, so you're. You've, you know, maybe had a detour from how you thought things were going to go straight, you know, from taking a year off to straight to college. Now I'm going to be a mom in the in between time.
But that didn't change your, like, very deep desire to continue your education.
[00:25:51] Speaker B: No, it didn't. And it actually gave me more reason to continue. I think I provided Raya with quite the service showing her that women can do anything.
I can take care of you and be your mom and love you, and I can go to school and chase my dreams. And I want her to know that she can do it, too.
[00:26:12] Speaker A: Yeah, I love that. And that is exactly what you have shown her. So tell me a little bit about how you came to find out about Hope House. And how old was Raya and was there what. What helped or made an impact in your relationship with Hope House?
[00:26:26] Speaker B: Yeah, Hope House was definitely a saving grace.
I give a lot to where I am today, and just the accomplishments that I've been able to achieve as a young mom to Hope House.
I believe that I had a friend that came here and she had actually told me about Hope House, and I had come to an informal night or an informational night. I don't know. I said informal.
And I was still pregnant at that time, and I was like, I want to be involved. And I was told, you got to have your baby first.
So I went and had my baby, and I came back, and I've been here ever since.
[00:27:06] Speaker A: I love it. And now when you came. So one of the things that, you know, for. For our listeners, most of our mamas come to Hope House still trying to kind of work on their high school education, online high school, or get their ged. It's not as typical for a mom to already come to Hope House with some college credit. And so you were a little bit ahead of the curve when you came to Hope House.
It was the college and career program. Kind of the first touch point for you.
[00:27:33] Speaker B: Yeah. I do think that I definitely relied on Hope House mostly for that educational support.
And then, of course, just the. The needs support, like the clothing and the diapers and the food. But the educational support was, I think, what made that biggest difference early on.
It's funny that you say, you know, you don't really deal with a lot of moms with college credit, because coming in, it didn't feel like that. It felt like this program was seamlessly designed for moms just like me who are coming in with college credits. And see, I would have never known that it was, you know, one out of few because it was just so amazing. And I definitely, you know, I still got support. Just last year, you guys helped me take my LSAT for law school, which I am also super grateful for.
[00:28:25] Speaker A: We're skipping. Okay, so you came in with, like, one year of credit of college. College. And I think you finished your associates.
[00:28:32] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:28:33] Speaker A: While you were at Hope House.
[00:28:34] Speaker B: Yes, finished the associates at Hope House.
And that part was kind of easy because I was already involved. And then Hope House really helped me when it came to getting into CU and just figuring out what that looked like.
And then I just recently finished my bachelor's up at cu. So, yeah, now I'm moving on to law school.
[00:28:57] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. So incredible. That's. It's like, truly so incredible. And one of the things that I think I would love for our listeners, and maybe there's somebody out there who will hear this and have a similar resource that they can share, because it's been truly life changing in terms of how you've been able to progress. But talk a little bit about your housing while you were at CU and how that came to be.
[00:29:21] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's such a blessing. Anytime that I think about it, I feel like I just get so red and so hot because it really was like a saving grace.
So Hope House was very, very kind enough.
And I. I believe a champion had come with the offer of a duplex, which was three beds, one bath in golden. So a beautiful town with lots and lots to do.
Um, and I. I jumped on it right away. They said, you know, Amber, we would love to provide you with this opportunity. Um, I am actually moving out. This is my.
But it has been there. It's been two and a half years.
[00:30:08] Speaker A: Yeah. That's incredible. We had just an incredible family.
Harmony is the name of the woman who. She and her husband own the. The Duplex. And I believe they were thinking about, I don't know, maybe tearing it down and building something different. I'm not sure what their plans were, but it was sort of this, like, we think it'll be six months, but we'd love to give somebody an opportunity for six months. And we're like, well, we'd love to introduce you to Amber because she. These going places and I mean, all of our teen moms are going places, but you were in a space where you were ready to take on the responsibility of being on your own with Raya. And I, I'm pausing because in my brain I'm still picturing you curled up under a stairwell. And now you're moving into a, you know, a three bedroom duplex in a town where it's walkable and you can go do fun things with your daughter and do hikes and you're going to see you. And it's like, how does this happen? And you know, I believe like God is just so in that, like he sees all the places where, you know, he was with you under that stairwell.
Maybe. I don't know if you could feel it at that point in time, but he knew then, like, this girl's not staying here. There's no way I'm letting this girl stand her stairwell. Like, this girl's gonna have a space, a home, a beautiful place to, to, to raise her daughter and for her daughter to go to kindergarten. And yeah, man, just if, if you're listening and you're one of our champions who maybe has that opportunity to help provide housing.
It's. It is life changing.
[00:31:41] Speaker B: It definitely. It, it was more than life changing. It provided me with so much stability. It made my emotional health better. I was able to show up for my daughter more. I was able to focus on school more.
Honest.
Um, and I think too, something that maybe you might not even realize is that getting that housing opportunity made me step away from being my family's caregiver to the extent that I was at the time. My, My mom has a really bad brain injury and it kind of got exacerbated by Covid and it got to the point where she couldn't even talk. Like just forming a sentence was really hard.
You know, she. She wasn't able to do paperwork. Like, I really had to caregive for her.
My sister at the time was dealing with addiction and she has a child of her own.
So I also took care of my niece for two and a half years.
Um, and when I got this housing opportunity, one of, um, you know, one of the rules was that my niece and my mom weren't coming with me.
And that was really hard to kind of leave them behind.
But it really showed me that if you are always trying to take care of everybody else, then you'll never get better yourself.
And now I'm realizing, like, now that I am getting better.
Hopefully one day I'll be at a point where I am so successful that helping them isn't going to be draining me of everything I have because I'll have so much more to give.
[00:33:28] Speaker A: I'm gonna frame those words and replay them to all the younger mamas because that is just. You are describing something that we deal with every single day at Hope House. And it's one of the hardest things. People always think that this is a misconception about teen moms, that, oh, they just got in with a bad guy and, and this, that's these bad boyfriends that keep pulling them back into, you know, poverty.
Sometimes that is the case. But what people almost never realize is that it's often a teen mom's responsibility or feeling of responsibility for her family that is what pulls her back into the kind of the falling down, the self sufficiency cycle. Because you've grown up caring for mom and siblings and being the responsible one. And it's so hard to say no to your own mom when your mom needs something.
And to put you and your, your baby, your child first is super difficult.
[00:34:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:25] Speaker A: So I'm, I'm very proud of you.
[00:34:27] Speaker B: Thank you. Yeah. And I do just want, you know, the listeners to know that investing in yourself doesn't mean you're being selfish because it really will end up with you being able to give more later on and it not, you know, meaning that your child doesn't have that toy that they wanted, that your child will still have that toy and you can still go help. So definitely invest in you first. It's like the oxygen mask. You put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then help others.
[00:34:56] Speaker A: That's so beautiful. So tell me a little bit about what you're doing now. What are you doing these days?
[00:35:01] Speaker B: Yeah, so I just. Recently, I guess not really recently. It's been about four months now. I've been a registered behavioral therapist at an autism center, which I just enjoy.
My mom, my sister, as well as my niece all have autism, so. So it's definitely something that I've, you know, grown up around. I have a lot of skills around, like the behavioral training stuff and I, I love kids, so I get to hang out with kids, I get to know that I'm making, you know, a big difference in their lives, in their family's lives, and it's. Yeah, it's. It's a beautiful thing, and I'm very happy I found my way here.
[00:35:43] Speaker A: I love it. I love that so much. And where. Where are you living these days? You're moving out of the. The home that Harmony's provided?
[00:35:50] Speaker B: Yes, I am moving out.
As I said, my. This will be my last month there. I'm actually moving in with a new partner that I have.
I have been with him for about two years now.
And he.
I always joke because I'm like, you're my first normal boyfriend, like.
And he's like, well, I'm. I'm happy, but he is just so supportive.
You know, I. I know I come with my own baggage.
I've lived quite the life. And he really deals with it so gracefully. Um, and, yeah, I'm. I'm so thankful that he's made his way. And, you know, that's another realization that I had is, um. You know, we. I feel like sometimes as moms, we feel like we need to give our child another partner. We need to give them that father figure, especially if, you know, um, their D. That isn't around.
And I realized that when I really stepped into me and being like, who is it that I want to be? That's when I started attracting the people that I wanted to attract.
So, yeah, instead of really focusing on, like, what you. What you want from. From other people, focusing more on, like, who it is you want to be, because that. That will attract those kinds of people.
[00:37:15] Speaker A: You are like a walking billboard house. It's like. It's, like, perfect. That's exactly right. That's what we're. You know, it's just our heart's desire for our mamas to know how God sees them. And God sees you as bold and beautiful and intelligent and all these amazing things he created you to be and strong. But I also always say, yes, our moms are strong, but we never want them to leave with a message of, you have to be strong.
[00:37:41] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:41] Speaker A: Because really, God's there to kind of. He wants to give you that.
That place to fall into and hope House sometimes, hopefully gets to be that place you get to fall into when you. You don't have to always be strong every single day. But. But if we could help our mamas get to that point like you did, Amber, where, you know what your value is in Jesus, like, you know what he's looking for. For you. And it isn't what you experienced at 15.
[00:38:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:08] Speaker A: It's what you're experiencing now. And it's beautiful to see you get to that point where you, you know, like, you know what you're supposed to be valued for, and for you to be with a partner who values you in that way is extraordinary. And what a beautiful thing for Raya to see, too.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: Yeah. Yes.
[00:38:27] Speaker A: An example of what healthy relationship should look like.
[00:38:29] Speaker B: Yes. And I, you know, I, I, I struggle myself because I didn't get that example. So I kind of. I feel like he's kind of teaching me that, which is just another reason why I grateful.
But I do want to bounce back for a second because you did say, talking about the house, like, how did you get here?
And the amount of times I've laid on that floor staring at my beautiful house thinking, how did this happen to me? Like, how did I manage this?
And, you know, there is, like, a realization we don't do this alone. Nobody is strong enough to go through all of this by themselves and get to where I am today.
I had Hope House. I had, you know, the amazing champions that were a part of Hope House.
And I, I do feel like there have been spiritual things that have moved me forward in the right direction and have watched out for me and kind of, you know, illuminated the right path, so to speak.
And, yeah, I, I do just want to say, like, like, if any mom is listening, like, don't think I did this by myself, because nobody can.
It takes a village. It definitely does.
[00:39:45] Speaker A: So true. We hear that all the time, but it is so true. Like, it's beautifully said. We can't do it by ourselves.
So tell me about. Okay, you. You took the lsat. You're very happy doing the work that you're doing currently, but you have some future plans for more school?
[00:40:01] Speaker B: School, yes. Yes. I will be going back to law school in August.
[00:40:05] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:40:06] Speaker B: Going back to the University of Colorado at Boulder. Very, very exciting.
I hope that I'll be able to do some compliance law. So my, My big motivation is to get into government entities and just ensure that, you know, their operations are being done as they're supposed to be and that.
[00:40:30] Speaker A: Who even thinks of that? I'm, like, trying not to laugh out loud. Like, you would think you'd be like, I don't know, like a homeless lawyer for the homeless or something, you know, people related. You're like, no, let's make sure government are doing things the right way. I love this so much.
[00:40:45] Speaker B: I feel like it is kind of funny. I started my education in psychology, and I always was like, I want to make a difference, and meeting that person where they are is going to make that difference. I took one sociology class to kind of crash all of that understanding down. And I really realized how our environment means almost everything to who we are. And our government orchestrates our environment in really big ways.
And when that orchestration isn't being done properly, people fall through the cracks. And I think the government thinks a lot about statistics and us as numbers, But I really want to bring the humanity back into these areas of government and just be that reminder that these are people's lives, these are people's stories that, you know, we get to be a part of. And let's not be the bad guy.
[00:41:40] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Like, let's not be the one who wakes a kiddo up in the middle of the night.
[00:41:44] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:41:45] Speaker A: Treats them the way they were. You were treated through the foster system. Like, yes, I love, love, love that you think so big that God has given you such a, like, vision of.
Because you will be helping an individual person by helping to change systems. And changing systems is challenging and big and bold. And those are all the things that, like, give this girl a challenge and she will slay it.
That is Amber, I'm just so proud of you. Is there anything else you want to share? If you could say one thing to the teen mamas who are maybe listening and encouragement or just a piece of wisdom from your were experience at Hope House or just in life, what would you share with them?
[00:42:30] Speaker B: Yeah, I feel like I kind of already hit on a lot of it, but I think.
I think really just knowing that even me sitting here today, I am not a finished product. I don't have everything in order.
You know, my life is not golden and perfect.
And I think the comparison game can really bring us down a bit. Little lot when we're looking at, well, what is it that they're doing? How did they accomplish that at this age?
And really just knowing that, you know, number one, our starting spot wasn't chosen by you.
You didn't do anything to deserve it. You didn't. Nothing. It was random. It's just a deck of cards, you know, and you get the hand that you're dealt.
But that starting point doesn't mean anything about where you can end up up. It doesn't mean anything about you. It doesn't mean that your journey has to be so much harder.
It doesn't mean anything. And so the less that we can give it meaning, the easier it is to have it not mean anything.
And I think too, just knowing that, like I said, you know, we're not in this alone, I think, think a lot of people say, well, I accomplished this by myself and I did this myself.
And to be frank, I think those people are mistaken.
And so, you know, don't feel like anybody did it by themselves because it's, it's really just not true. It really does take a village and it's okay to rely on that village. It's okay to have a bad day and ask your friend to come help you watch your kids kid. It's okay to, you know, not have enough food stamps and need to go to the food bank and get food. Like that doesn't mean you're failing and it doesn't mean that you're weak.
And actually I feel like going through those things builds character, it builds your resources and it makes you better able to attack the next conflict.
So, yeah, just don't feel like you have to do it alone.
And don't, don't compare yourself to other people. I feel like those are the two worst things you can do to yourself. Solve.
[00:44:42] Speaker A: Girl, there just are no more words to say. I just am so incredibly proud of you. I love spending time with you. I love listening to you. You have the wisdom of someone far older than you are.
You're.
You're incredible. Amber, thanks for sharing with us today. Thanks for being in my life personally and it's so beautiful because now I can just say thanks for being my friend. You know, when you're in the programming at Hope House where in kind of a relationship where, you know, you're, you're taking part in the program and we're running the program. But it's so beautiful that we have alumni that we get to maintain these like, long term relationships with and truly just call each other friend at the end of the day. And that's a privilege. So it's a privilege to know you.
[00:45:27] Speaker B: Thank you so much, Lisa. It's. It's definitely a privilege to know you and you have done so much work to make, make, you know, a life like mine available to so many teen moms.
Yeah. And I definitely, I love you. I love what you do here and I am so happy to call you a friend.
[00:45:47] Speaker A: I love you right back.
[00:46:02] Speaker B: Oh, precious soul the things I didn't know the things I didn't know about you about you.
